From my email

Hey guys!
 
I usually don't post things that I receive in my inbox at work.  It's those funny stories that make their way around a thousand times, and everyone has at one point heard the story or talked about the story, but you think someone hasn't, so you forward to your 50 friends, and so on and so forth it goes.  But this story that I got today, I've never heard before, ever.  So, I just thought I would take the time to share it with you, and document it for myself because I would like to remember it also.  I also found a lot of humor in this story, because I feel like it could possibly very easily be my story, and therefore put me on the front page of the Anderson, SC Newspaper (FINALLY!).  It's really funny, and left me covering my mouth to NOT LOL in a quiet office setting.

Somehow in my mind, all of this gets linked back to my facebook picture album called "Lawn Mower Difficulties."  My constant struggles with that piece of machinery is the only thing in my life that I can relate this to.  I don't know how to upload an entire album, so I'll just post the pictures here for everyone to see, and the story that I am referencing will be below them.

I also made a short film about the difficulties with just trying to do a simple task such as sharpening the blades on it.  So sad.

Enjoy!

Gil

 

Here is the story below from my email, as promise. :-)

For those of you who have a lawnmower and want to install an Electric

fence:'what-Not-to-do' is printed below....

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you

should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without

cursing.

This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I

heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To

make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a

single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for

26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5

ft. Into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in

the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel

push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for

a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire

and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand

and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the

charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an

upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side

of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower

ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &

Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally

at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were

fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to

differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3

different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of

bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back

and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there

were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was

like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto

the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't

let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad

always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever

that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. Long ground rod is now

accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom

soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and

take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping

run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God

please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy

cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor

waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing

in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.

He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own

stupidity I had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,

out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then

another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the

ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in

the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek

(not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as

you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little

session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was

better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of

the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I

appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make

sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I

can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT

gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to

triple check before I mow.

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Dental hygiene can be expensive!

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Usually after ever meal while I am at home, I like to brush my teeth before I sit around for a long period of time. At work, I use one of these things instead of brushing:

So after a long day at the office we have a late dinner because of my wife's work and school schedule, and after dinner I head to the bathroom about an hour or so after we ate. I go #1 in the toilet bowl, and as I'm flushing, I whip out my electric tooth brush and tube of Mint Sensodyne toothpaste.

But then, I bobble the football on the snap, leading to a fumble, and an interception by the toilet water being flushing down the toilet!! Swoooooooooooooosh! The whole freaking tube is just gone!!

I immediately go into panic mode. My mind is racing with headlines in the Anderson, SC Newspaper:

"This just in. Local idiot flushes a entire tube of toothpaste down his toilet, which causes him to have $3,000 worth of plumbing repairs done to his sewer lines. Wow, glad we're not that guy!!"

I run to my wife:

"Taba, Taba, I was going to brush my teeth and I dropped my toothpaste into the toilet, and it was in the middle of flushing, and now it's gone!"

Her response was:

"Do you think it made it down to the actual line or just in the back of the toilet. We accidentally flushed a wash cloth in my toilet back home, and it just went to the back of the toilet. Maybe we should test it with something instead of water?"

"Well, I do have to kind of go #2. Do you think that will help?"

"I was talking about bread or toilet paper, dummy!!"

"Oh, right. I'll get right on that."

5 handfuls of toilet paper and a flush later, as the water crept up towards the rim of the toilet bowl, it's official:

"HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I CAN NO LONGER POO-DOO. THIS IS NOT GOOD!"

So, even though I'm burnt out from working after my day at the office, the gloves come on and the tools come out, and out comes the toilet to check if I could possibly be lucky, and it would just be stuck in the back of the toilet, and not in the actual line under the house.

Check this out:

SUCCESS! It was! Hooray!!

This story has a happy ending. No repair bills, and I had just enough toothpaste left to finish brushing my teeth! 2 for 2 tonight! Hooray!!

Thanks for reading and subscribing! If you haven't subscribed, you can do so by going back to my homepage by clicking here, and go to the upper right hand corner, drop in your email address into the blank, and you're all set for a lifetime of funny, stupid, hilarious, sad, touching, heart felt stories, otherwise known as my life. Thanks guys!

toilet repair dental hygiene home improvement silly crazy funny entertainment franksg384

What a weekend!

"A quick thank-you to everyone that has subscribed and now follows this blog. That really means a lot to me and I promise to do my best to keep everyone entertained. This will be a fun project, and I hope to continue it for quite some time."

~Gil

If you wish to check out my homepage, CLICK HERE!

Man, this weekend just started off on the right foot straight out of the gate! I got off 20 minute early from work on a Friday, and I headed straight to (insert name of restaurant here when they pay me to do so) and had something that I haven't had in forever! Sushi!! The last time I had Sushi was when my brother came down to help me work my room that I am remodeling back in August. This is a rare treat for me. I was starving, and I just wasn't in the mood for another plain old burger. It's a bit pricey, but I think if I keep it in the 2-3 times a year habit mode, I should be okay!

Check this out:

This is fresh Salmon. Salmon with a silent "l", that is. (A free plug to the asshole who used to make fun of me for saying it with the "l". You know who you are.............asshole.) I had originally asked for Smoked Salmon (without the "l") but the chef made an effort to come over and tell me that he had JUST received fresh Salmon (without the "l"), and that it should be quite tasty. As much as I love it smoked, I couldn't risk not trying it right out of the water. It was every bit as good and more!

In this shot, the white rice style thing is called a Crab Delight. It's just some crab, seaweed, wrapped in rice. Taste excellent in a little Soy Sauce. (Low sodium guys, in the green top. Let's keep it healthy!) In the middle, I'm not really sure what meat it was, either crab, tuna or Salmon (with a silent "l") again, but all I know is that they deep-fry it, and it is freaking out of this world good! I killed it!! This is called a Mexican roll, and my brother and I had what I believe was called the California roll last time, and were told to get the Mexican roll this time. Freaking...........AWESOME!!!

So, Friday was nice. My wife and I are on a Prison Break kick on Netflix. So we blew up 3 or 4 episodes until 2 or 3 am and called it a night. Saturday was a beautiful day, as many people in the Southeast would know. The weather was unbelievable. If you went outside and closed your eyes, you would have swore to God that it was spring time in April, and it was time to cut the grass. Seriously. And here we are now, on a Monday, and it's back cloudy, gray, rainy, cold and gross again. Amazing. For dinner, I talked my wife into tearing up some hot wings with me from (insert name of restaurant here when they pay me to do so). The service and food was great, but let's just say that I can't go into detail about the atmosphere that night without sounding like a racist. I don't mean to sound like a racist. It's just a fact that I have noticed throughout my entire life that certain type of people let their kids do some things that other type of people would not, especially when they are in large groups of 20 or more. The last time I checked, we weren't eating wings in a McDonalds jungle gym. That's all I'm saying.

Check this out:

That would be the 8 Texan-Hot wings right there. They were delicious!

And last but not least, SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! My brother-in-law is in the market for a new boat. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday, I believe it shall happen. Our dreams of a fun filled weekend by the lake with a camper and a pontoon boat are un-freakin-real!! My God that would be so much fun.

Anyways, back to reality, we went to Greenville, SC at the Palmetto Expo Center, and they tons of them. They had quite a few with price tags that were out of our reach (ex: $194k for a boat? Seriously, whose that dumb? Why would you pay more for a boat than you do a house?) But a few pontoon manufacturers weren't looking too bad. He had his eye on a few at the Premier Pontoon Boats area. One of them was the Gemini made by Premier. That thing was everything you need, and more. It had two front couches with tons of storage underneath, another couch with a table beside the captains seat, and changing station, and two bucket seats made for fishing in the back. This boat would literally take care of you perfectly in both worlds of family fun times out on the lake, and a guys weekend out fishing. It was blue, and it was beautiful!

Check this out:

From the looks of the brochures that we made sure to take home, they come with tons of accessories.

One of them that we really like had a double top on it, which would be really nice on a hot day. And I told him to make sure and get one with carpet, because I know from experience the floors can get pretty toasty on your feet!

This is like the one we saw, but not quite:

Now, if we were rich men and came from old money, we would go straight for the throat and go for the instant kill of happiness:

HELL YEAH!! That water slide is calling this fat boy's name!! hahaha!

He honestly is making the right choice. As long as he can afford it and it doesn't break their budget, and boat is a treasured asset in my opinion. Along with Christmas time, summer time fun out on my dad's boat is a treasured memory I will not soon forget. I would give anything to share those feelings with my son or daughter in the future, and I believe that my brother-in-law feels the same way now that he has a daughter. Since everyone I know are average, middle-class families, we can afford one or the other, but not both. So, since I'll be supplying the camper, he can supply the boat, and we can have some awesome weekends with stories and memories that will last a life time. Hopefully. One can dream, can't I?

If it was up to my wife and if she would have been with us that day, we would have taken the truck instead of her car, and we probably would have brought home one of these:

Jet skis! I would love to have one (I said one, not two) but I don't know if I can swing a $10,999 for them. We'll probably end up getting one someday, when she finishes school, but notice I said "get one", and it will probably be used, not new. :-) We shall see soon!

We are also looking at buying a golf cart, but upon further inspection of prices, we are probably going to be better off just renting one for the weekend if we ever go back to the beach.

(Insert picture here)

Thank-you everyone, for reading. I hope that you enjoyed this post and will stop back by for more. If you wish to go back to my homepage for further entertainment, CLICK HERE!

I will let Jay-Z, Crossfade, and Sevendust take us home. Thanks again!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM1RChZk1EU




http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0o9u2W_iGNY



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGUflZS7jG0&feature=player_embedded

real life funny entertainment silly crazy crossfade jay-z sevendust music pontoon boats boats greenville SC Palmetto Center
jet ski sushi yamaha waverunner boat show

Life?

I was going to whine and cry last week, about such a horrible day I was having. But I stopped myself short, because I began to think, is my life that bad? Are my problems worth discussing, when we seem to have so many bigger problems in this world that overshadow them?

Is it even worth wasting my time and energy describing my "bad" day? Do I really have a "bad" day, compared to the struggles of others in this world. We can always look at it as being the glass is half empty or half full. Which are you? I suppose I've always been taught or raised to be a "my glass is half empty" type of person. I always strive to be better, to do more, to have more. But I feel like I've reached a point in my life to where I just feel content. I feel content on the things I have, the things I've done, and the things that I will have in the future. I've looked at the glass from afar, and noticed that it's a pretty big glass, that's a lot of water, and I am truly a lucky guy on this earth.

I've come to realize that I will never drive a Porsche. I will never own a yacht, and I will never live in a house with more than 3 bedrooms, and you know what, I'm okay with that. I have a vehicle that gets me from A to B, I have the ability to buy a boat and go to the lake that I live close to, and I have a nice, clean home that contains a roof that is over my head. And I feel wonderful.

Now don't get me wrong, I still strive to be the best that I can be. I want to work the best job possible, make as much as I can to afford the things that I want and my family needs, and hopefully be able to retire as early as possible so that I can enjoy life. I want to live life the way it was meant to be. But sometimes I feel myself saying,

"Ya know, maybe if people were just a little more content with the basics that are needed in everyday life verses striving for the luxury items that are not, maybe this world wouldn't be so screwed up?"

Part of me wants to say, dreams are just that; they're fantasies, unrealistic events that will never take place. But just like this camper, which was a dream of mine for such a long period in my life, I think that people need dreams. They need hope. But it has to be realistic. Those things or goals need to be attainable. We need to be taught as children to be content with just............being. To just living. To not feel like our lives are such an utter waste and disappointment just because we don't have the mansion, the yacht, or the Porsche. We need to be taught that the necessities, in the end, are all that really matter. A good job that keeps a roof over your head, food on the table and love in the house, are really all that we need for our survival. The rest will take care of itself.

That's what I think, anyways. I love my life.


life real life entertainment money content adult knowledge

So far, NOT so good.

I can definitely say I’ve seen better days.  Monday was awful.  I went running out of my house, as usual, almost running late, but at the perfect moment to where I could hop in my truck and JUST make it to work on time.  So, as usual, it’s about mid-20’s outside, which is pretty typical for a South Carolina winter.  I jump in the driver seat of the diesel, turn the key to the ON position, wait for the yellow glow plug light to go off for the engine, and turn it.  It turns perfectly, plenty of juice in the battery, the correct speed of rpms for the engine to make the usual sound.  But nothing.  Strange.  I try again.  Nothing.  It just spins and spins and spins, and nothing.  “This is very strange in our 2.5 year history together, truck.”  I was left dumbfounded, without anywhere to turn, and with absolute blank thoughts crossing my tiny brain as to the culprit.  My only option was to catch the Honda Fit express going 30 miles North to a place called Greenville to my wife’s job, asking her nicely to take me to my parents home to get the “spare” vehicle that they keep alive just for this specific purpose.  She does, and the car runs fine back down the highway towards my job in Georgia.  On my return trip, we left our home in such a rush, I couldn’t quite remember if I remembered to lock the back door after letting in our dog, Scooter.  So, I plan my trip to swing back by our house, just to double check and ease my mind.  I pull into the drive way, and figured I’d give the truck one more try, just for shits and giggles.  Hop in it, yellow light goes off, turn the key, and it starts up perfectly, ready to haul the camper to the beach immediately.  W.T.H.?  I say screw it, there has to be something wrong with it, I’ll take the car to be safe, and I arrived around 11 a.m. at work, while I was scheduled to be at work by 8, but cleared it with my boss and told him my problems. 

 

I go home after staying at work late, as usual, and I go straight home so that I can play mechanic and begin my diagnosis.  Again, I pull up at the drive way, get in the seat, yellow light goes off, starts up perfectly.  Now I’m pissed.  I start it, stop it, start it, stop it, start it, stop it, many times, all without a glitch whatsoever.  I’m feeling risky, which usually means I lose a lot of money in poker, so I take it to the local gas station and put fuel in it, turning it off in the process.  I finish fueling, yellow light goes off, and it starts without a glitch.  The Tuesday morning comes, I start it and drive it to work, to lunch, and back, without a glitch.  It runs like a champ, as the reason why I still own a 11 year old truck and pull a camper to far off destinations with it.   So you tell me? W.T.H.?  Why must I be made to look like an idiot at work for driving a Ford, which runs fine and has technical never left me sitting anywhere, other than at home.

 

Monday night was awful in the process though.  I ate P.F. Changs Sweet and Sour Chicken from our frozen food isle, and spent the night vomiting among other things I won’t describe.  I felt great this morning after all of that nastiness was out of me, and the truck drove great, so Tuesday hasn’t been that bad, not including the part from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m.. 

My tire experience

This all happened Aug. 14th, 2010.

So, in order to save money, I bought my wife 4 new tires online. They delivered extremely quick (1 day using UPS ground of all things) and I needed to have them put on just as quick because her current tires are crap.


So, I did exactly what I did when I bought my tires online, I took them to Walmart to have them mount and balance them, because sense I'm an average, working, homeowner, I don't have those types of tools!


The guy that you talk to as soon as you pull up and place a work order was new. He stumbled through the hand held device that you enter vehicle information on, pretty much cursing technology in other words. He finally placed my work order into the system along with the standard oil change. As the technician was walking back into the shop from his break, he looked at my valve stem immediately on the way in. He said, "Did you put into the work order that he needs TPS sensors?" The guy immediately froze up, and said "No, he didn't tell me that he needed it until it was already in the system?" Um, how the crap was I suppose to know that I needed a TPS sensor that is connected to my valve stem? The technician said it was no problem, he just needed to check and see if he had those types of valve stems. He also added that it was an extra $20 a tire. Great! More cash down the drain! He soon came back, and said that he didn't have anymore, that I needed to go to the dealer to get the sensor, 1 per tire, and bring them to him, and he could change the tires then. I said okay, go ahead and do the oil change then. I went in to talk to the manager of the tire and lube center, and he stated that Walmart policy is not to touch a tire unless they put on new sensors, because they basically break them as they replace the valve stem. I said, "okay, i'll get them from the dealer. Do you know of anyone else that will change tires on sunday?" He mentioned that Sears would probably be open on sunday. He also stated that his price for all 4 tires was $45 dollars, including tax and disposing of the tires. No problem!


I headed directly to Sears. I told them about my situation, and how Walmart wouldn't touch them unless I brought in new sensors with my new tires. They literally laughed in my face. They said that those sensors were $100 EACH, and that you absolutely do not touch the TPS (Tire pressure sensor) unless it is broken. They said that they would put on my tires for $79!! Wow! Much more than I wanted to spend, but limited on options due to the condition of the current tires, I agreed. He gave my old tires a look over, and tried to get me to agree to a 4 wheel alignment, for another $89.99. This time I laughed in his face. I told him that car drove as straight as an arrow, and I've never known of anyone to EVER get a 4 wheel alignment, only a front wheel alignment. I also told him my tires were not that bad even though they were worn on the inner edges due to a chamber issue set from the factory, and since it was JUST NOW showing after 40k miles that WE put on the car, not to mention however many had ALREADY been put on the car, no thanks!!


After completing my service, he attempted to "sell me", even though I will never make a tire purchase from Sears. He asked "Did you buy those tires online?" Well of course, where else would I have? He then asked the price, and knowing what game he was going to play, I quoted $300, even though it was close to $340. He said, "Oh, sir, I could have given you these tires for $92, and gotten you out the door for $320, including a 2 year replacement warranty. Are you tires even covered under a manufactures warranty?" "Yes, all tires are included under a manufactures warranty." I asked what mileage his tires were rated for, and he only said 30k. So, I said, "Well, that is a no name tire, and I basically bought a 50k tire for that same amount of money. I'll take the better tire." (Editors note: No, it was not Goodyear or Michelins that he quoted!)


I later drove by an Advance Auto parts and stopped in to verify that the sensor did indeed cost $114 (X's 4 tires)! I have no idea what Walmart was talking about with it only being an extra $20 per sensor.


So, all in all, my total out of pocket is around $380 to $390, I'm not sure. And I think I probably saved around $150 if I would have went to a all inclusive store deal. You can usually get away with buying tires online cheaper than you can in the store. My tires were $75 before shipping. The cheapest thing Walmart and Sears had was $100, and that was only for 40k tires. If Walmart would have done my install at the beginning, I would have saved more than $150, but they didn't, so I paid double. I still have no idea what the Walmart guy was wanting to do to me, or why they would not touch my tires?

Santa wore a nightgown

Just the word "December" would make your skin tingle.  Anticipation for "the day" grew exponentially every single slow day in the classroom.  My mother would begin to tell us to "make a list" so that we could go tell Santa Claus what we would like to possibly have.  We went to the same Santa Claus at the Haywood Mall.  He was the real Santa Claus, because only he had a real beard.  He has to have a real beard, or else he was a fake.  Waiting in line to tell this "stranger" about our dreams and hopes of the perfect gift would make your stomach cramp, and your knees would turn to jello.  This was THE GUY!!  The guy who could do all those cool things.  THE GUY who had all those magic reindeer, and he wants to hear from me!  Oh my gosh!  He wants to hear what I have to say, and what I would want for Christmas.  How cool is this?!!!  It took what seemed like HOURS to get through the line to see him, but when we arrived, minutes seemed like seconds sitting in his lap.  You could barely remember a word, and you had to waste precious time with him to pose for a photo.  Your mind would go blank.  You would stutter, spit, and just constantly think about anything other than vomiting on this nice mans beautiful, velvet red suit.  You would give him a few gift ideas, and then it was your brothers turn, all while our mother kept a close ear to the conversation.  So much to say, so little time.

 

First you had to knock out all of the other family things before the "big night."  First a party with Dad's friends at work, a Hester reunion in a Church, a Ervin reunion in another Church, and a Christmas Eve reunion at Grandmas house.  Finally, the night had arrived!!!  We would watch the news, and now and again they would give us updates on where HE was!  "He's coming, he's coming!"  How exciting!  Our mother would let us stay up unusually late, 10:00 pm or so.  Before bed, we would lay out cookies and milk, because he must be hungry and thirsty from hauling around all those presents.  We left a carrot or two for Rudolph, because he needed his strength too.  And off to bed we would go!  Yeah, like sleep was really going to happen!  We lay there with anticipation, and listened to every crick and crack the house could make, until our bodies and minds could take no more.  Sometimes if we REALLY couldn't sleep, we would get up and peek into the living room, trying to time exactly when he would make an appearance.  We never caught him, ever!!  We were always too early, or too late.  But when we were too late, we peaked at all the presents!  They were everywhere!  Each present was wrapped in the same Santa Claus paper, each with the same style bow.  That's how we knew it was really from him, and not just a mom and dad present to us.  Only HE used that kind of paper.  We would try to guess what they were by the sizes of the boxes, but never seemed to get it quite right.  And then we went back to bed, for sleep, right?  NOT!  We lay there again, until our minds and bodies could take no more, and FINALLY went to sleep, only to then awaken at 5 or 6 am and wake everybody up, because HE had come!!  HE had come!!  The day was finally here!

 

All of our presents had each been perfectly wrapped, with the same bow perfectly placed on each present.  And look, he even took the time to eat 1 and a half of our cookies, drink a little milk, and took a carrot to Rudolph!!  He really came!  And now to the presents.  He got us everything!  Everything that we could have ever wanted!  Every single item that we wanted, or could have possibly dreamed about having, was here, right here in front of us!  We were the luckiest kids on the planet!  Not only did we get visited by Santa, he REALLY listened to us that day at the mall when we went to see him, even though we didn't think the conversation went so well and there was tons of kids in line before and after us.  He understood we were nervous that day, and really was watching us to see if we were naughty or nice. I mean, of course he was, he's Santa!

 

We played with our toys all day.  We took a small nap in the middle of the day, and we were forced to stop for a bite to eat.  The entire process was just purely amazing, from beginning to end.  The entire month went by like molasses, but that day seemed to just fly by even though you so desperately wanted it to stop.  Dad was at home and not at work. Mom was home and happy because we were all at home and the shopping season had officially ended.  My brother and I were home and NOT at school.  Our grandparents made their rounds that day to all the grandchildren, and they stopped by to say hello too!  That day was officially the best, ever, yearly.  If there was such a thing as magic, it had happened at the Franks house!

 

I was about 11-12-13-ish when I finally realized that Santa was "fake", and that moment in time meant more to me than any of the happiness those previous Christmas celebrations had brought.  That was the year that I found out Santa Claus wore a nightgown.  That was the year that I found out what was really going on.

 

My mother would painstakingly withdraw information from two little kids in great detail and document it throughout the month of December to secretly purchase later.  Do you know how hard that is with a child's imagination??  Especially ours!  My father would work all the hours he could at the shop so that he could provide the very best Christmas possible for his family, thinking little about himself in the process.  Exhausted from all the shopping and holiday reunions, they would then set the alarm for early in the morning Christmas Day, go get the gifts from the hiding spot (to this day I still don't know where that is) and wrap each and every present, and place them neatly under the tree, while remembering to take a bite of chocolate chip cookie, swallow a bit of milk, and hide a carrot.  After hitting the bed around 3 or 4, they would then be awaken by 2 kids around 5 or 6 am, making noise as they went towards the Christmas Tree in the living room, laughing, giggling, and attempting to whisper.  They would then get up, and play dumb, so that we could enjoy the excitement and magic of being visited by the one and only, Santa Claus.  And they did this yearly, time after time, year after year.  Learning that Santa wore a nightgown was the equivalent to the scene in The Wizard of Oz with the man behind the curtain, but instead of pure disappointment, I was left with pure amazement. The fact that they did this all these years, and pulled it off, is just unbelievable.  The fact that they were responsible for so much happiness, and joy, still baffles me.  And all those years that I wanted so desperately to go "See Santa Claus" and I just couldn't wait to sit in the lap of the man wearing the big red velvet suit, I was already sitting next to him, and she was listening to every word I had to say, silently.  She cared about my happiness more than any fictional character ever could.  She wanted to make sure that her kids had the best Christmas ever, yearly, and that I would remember it always.  But all those memories have faded to a blur, and are experienced only through VHS these days. 

 

But the day I found out Santa wore a nightgown, now that day, I will remember vividly forever.

 

Thank-you, Mom and Dad, for allowing this lucky kid to be visited by Santa Claus.  My wish every Christmas, until the end of my days, is that every kid in this world could be so lucky, and I love you both for what you did for my brother and me.  Thanks Santa!

 

If I did a good job, how about flipping some coins for a coke or two?

Thank-you so much!

The end of the year!!!

So, today is my last of the YEAR.  Can you believe that.  It’s almost lunch time, and that means I will only have 4 hours left until the end of the year!  How exciting!

A random rant about life.

Anyone else find it weird that Bill Elliott still drives a Sprint Cup race car? I do. Same goes for Mark Martin.

I wonder what Nascar would be like if Dale Jr. starting winning again? How big is big, and how big could big get?

How come when I'm on I-29 going to work, people ride my ass because I'm only doing 60 in a 55, so they pass me, only to get behind another person a few yards ahead of me. Why pass, when there is nowhere to go but to the back of someone elses bumper. That's crazy? Isn't it?

With my own eyes, I witnessed a fact as to why my wife's soon to be new profession will always have a infinite amount of customer, oops, I meant patients. As I was eating a salad in front of a Ingles, I witnessed a woman cough and hack up some nasty stuff out of her lungs (yes, while I was eating), only to push it all back down to where it belonged by sucking on two cigarettes back to back. Why do people knowingly and willing destroy their body? Why do they do things to hurt themselves, but then cry and are sad at the end of their lives as they pay for the abuse that they themselves done to their own bodies? None of this makes sense to me. Same goes for people who drink their livers away, or people who die from heart disease and/or diabetes because they couldn't lay off the candy. How do you have sympathy for people who destroyed themselves? I'm find this harder and harder to do these days.

Why do I like every type of bean known to man, except for the dark red kidney beans? And why does Wendy's still put them in their chilli even after all the complaint letters I have written telling them that I don't like them, and to please not do that anymore?

Would it be cheaper to build a really huge house with separate living quarters for 4 families of four to live in rather than 4 separate families trying to live in 4 separate houses? Would it come out the same in the long run, or would the cheaper utility bills and property taxes make it worth it? Could you put up with sharing close quarters with 3 other families? I guess it depends on who it is, and how well you enjoy their company.

Why can I not sleep in a bed unless the sheet is tucked into the mattress in the bottom?

The only part of OCD I have is that I don't trust myself in the fact that I close the garage door before I leave. I can watch it go down, touch the ground, stop moving, and I go 2 second down the road, and I always question to whether is closed all the way. Or maybe I didn't watch it close to the ground, and it's going to start coming back up. And it did as I pulled off, but I didn't see it, so now I have to go back to make sure that yes, it is down, and I was right. That's OCD right? Paranoia? Or could it be the fact that this actually happened 4 years ago, and now it scares me that it'll happen again. Have you ever left to go to the store and left your front door open the entire time? I have.




real life funny entertainment hilarious crazy silly crazy franksg384

The Smartness that is within...

You're a pretty smart guy, Gilly McGee, until you attempt to fry an egg on a George Foreman grill. Dope!!!!!

Today was a good day.

Due to our never ending schedules, today was a nice break from reality. We began the day with a "sleep in till 10am" Saturday. We proceeded by going to Cracker Barrel for lunch or breakfast. We couldn't decide between the two, so we went to a restaurant that served both. She had a vegetable plate, and I had the typical grits, biscuits, hashbrowns, gravy, eggs meal that I get when I'm in the mood for breakfast there. It was delicious, and we ate ever bite! Except for the grits. I'm always disappointed with those. I skipped them this time. Didn't even eat a spoon full of them.

We had already planned on seeing a movie, and we had already agreed to the movie "Eat. Pray. Love." but the only thing that was not planned was the time. We decided on the 3:30, which meant we had approximately 2.5 hours to kill. We went to a major furniture store and dreamed about owning their new furniture in our new house that we keep saying we will someday build. We went to a well known pet store and got Scooter a halloween costume (he's a pumpkin this year.) She needed to go by the medical supply store (she is a respiratory care student) for supplies for school, so that meant a stop by the big, bad Anderson Mall! It's not a bad mall compared to the surrounding cities malls (they have none), but this place doesn't hold a flame to other cities such as Greenville, Atlanta, and such. But, I can say this about the little town of Anderson, it has everything that you need. Every major store is present and due to the low population of this area, customer service is always through the rough, which isn't a bad thing. After getting her supplies, we went to the movie.

The movie was good, but it wasn't great. I don't feel like it was a waste of my money by any means, but it just didn't have that zing, zang, bam that always seems to grab us Americans attention. A lot of the scenes were shot on location in different countries, and that was especially nice to see other areas of the world in real time. Overall, it was a good flick.

We then decided to catch ANOTHER movie, hahaha, so we went out for dinner at one of our favorite pizza places called NY Pizza. They always have a long wait time to when you give them your order to actually receiving your food, but that's just because it's always made from scratch and is absolutely great when you get it! We have never had a bad meal here, and the streak continues! We had a chicago style medium pizza, with beef, sausage, pepperoni, and peppers. It was awesome, and we still brought home about 4 pieces after pigging out! We quickly made it back to the theater to catch the movie "The last exorcism" or whatever. This time the theater was packed with the local high school kids, and that seemed to take away from the thrill of the movie with all the laughs and goofs that high school kids always do, myself having been one of those types. My view was distracted as the girl to my diagonal right was texting someone VERY important (as every so called "friends" are at that age) over and over and over, I suppose telling her how the movie was going? Who knows?

We then came home, caught the movie "50 first dates" on television, one of them passed out on the couch, and the other decided to share his day with you. Can you guess who?

PS: She needs to sleep. She's had a rough 2 weeks. I'm sure she's tired as hell.

This blog will continue forever....

Instead of doing constant status updates on facebook, twitter, and the like, I have decided to start a blog, so that I myself and others can look back on some of the crazy ideas and thought process that has cycled between that big lump of meat between my ears. Enjoy!