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Thursday, April 19, 2012

From my email

Hey guys!
I usually don't post things that I receive in my inbox at work.  It's those funny stories that make their way around a thousand times, and everyone has at one point heard the story or talked about the story, but you think someone hasn't, so you forward to your 50 friends, and so on and so forth it goes.  But this story that I got today, I've never heard before, ever.  So, I just thought I would take the time to share it with you, and document it for myself because I would like to remember it also.  I also found a lot of humor in this story, because I feel like it could possibly very easily be my story, and therefore put me on the front page of the Anderson, SC Newspaper (FINALLY!).  It's really funny, and left me covering my mouth to NOT LOL in a quiet office setting.

Somehow in my mind, all of this gets linked back to my facebook picture album called "Lawn Mower Difficulties."  My constant struggles with that piece of machinery is the only thing in my life that I can relate this to.  I don't know how to upload an entire album, so I'll just post the pictures here for everyone to see, and the story that I am referencing will be below them.

I also made a short film about the difficulties with just trying to do a simple task such as sharpening the blades on it.  So sad.



Here is the story below from my email, as promise. :-)

For those of you who have a lawnmower and want to install an Electric
fence:'what-Not-to-do' is printed below....

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you
should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without

This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5
ft. Into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in
the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for
a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally
at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. Long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy
cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.
He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity I had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.

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